Updated: 2016-05-26 (added new information about 2013-01-23)

Updated: 2016-05-19 (added 2016 BLFC events)


(To note, my presentation skills clearly are lacking, and much of this remains unfinished)

I've never been one for livejournal, facebook, twitter, or otherwise sharing my daily experiences and life with the world.
However, after keeping so much, so many things, all quietly to myself, for so long... this seemed simpler, better.. more theraputic? I don't know. It helps map it all out, for myself, to try and see where I went wrong.

Many of these notes were taken directly at the time of the event, and often are left unaltered here; so their accounts do not suffer the effects of time distortion or memory loss.

By no means do I claim to have it rough; others are far less privileged than I have ever been, even at my worst. There are far worse stories to which this could even be considered wonderful, in the shadows of things of far greater importance.

To those that know who I am, and have known me in the past; to those that have seen me as friendly, outgoing, and helpful; to those that have seen me slip into the shadows, become reclusive, and off-putting; and to those that have met me in the aftermath, to barely know or see me outside with others...
I can only hope that, perhaps, this might give a clue as to my behavioral pattern; I hope you understand what happened, as I saw it.

This simply is my story, the way I remember or recorded it.

Synopsis: Naive brock invests in a wildly successfull startup company producing adult toys, resulting in destroyed credit and tens of thousands of dollars in debt with reprocutions rippling for years.

Brief Summary (Originally written around 2010)
  • I decided to help startup Bad Dragon with an extremely close friend of a few years, and some others I considered friends
  • This seems to be the ultimate root of it all - A hard lesson learned, undoubtedly
    • ~"If they truely are your friend, they won't question putting it in writing; if they aren't your friend, you really want it in writing."
  • I decided to buy a house, with a workshop, to help with the startup - Myself, and most of Bad Dragon founders, occupied and worked in the home
  • Upgrades went into the home and workshop to acomidate the company, much out of my own savings and on my credit cards
  • Obviously, credit card bills go up, because of investements - I'm forced to increase rent, to offset the monthly costs
  • The owners determine that my "services are no longer required" - Drastically lowering my income (Notably, I did not raise rent again)
  • A month later, they decide the rent is too much, and decide to leave - Further lowering my income
  • They "repay their debts", which equate to only a fraction of what was invested, let alone any actual return on my investements
  • The method of "repayment" was wrong and takes aproximately a 40% hit from the IRS, meaning I see only about half of that amount "repayed"
    • Their response: "That's not our problem."
  • With them leaving the house, I'm forced to leave as well; I couldn't afford to live there on my own, even if I got new roommates.
  • The home no longer being "owner occupied", means I now owe $7,000 to the IRS
    • Their response: "That sucks."
  • In the end, this leaves me with tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debts, plus owing an additional $7,000
  • The company seems to be making (at least) hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, possibly over a million; I'm not sure anymore. (Update: Rumored estimate of over 2 million in 2013)
    • Notably, I had earlier written a software application to keep track of purchases, orders, production queues/status, as well as label printing for shipping
    • I've heard that they continued to use the software I wrote for (at least) 1-2 years after my "services were no longer required"
  • Oh, yes; they also made it pointedly clear that they were my friends, and that firing me and moving out, was their way of helping me.

It's still all very rough, most of it's still missing dates, and there's a lot of stuff that hasn't been added here yet.. I simply don't have time to fix it up and add dates right and such right now, just trying to keep afloat.. hopefully it'll get cleaned up later.. or perhaps someday, I'll finally overcome it all and just take it down.

Click a date entry to view more details



9th : Game Released
Horizons Released (Now known as Istaria)



? : Meeting Narse on Horizons
  • Priorly reclusive
  • Met online, known for about a number of months
  • I remember we met at a mall. I arrived an hour early so that I could walk the entire mall and familiarize myself with it, found where we were supposed to meet, and a second-story vantage point to watch the meeting location. I waited there, watched them arrive, and waited about 5 minutes before finally going down to introduce myself.


9th : House Fire - Narse helped me get through it
The fire, and Narse
  • How they helped me get through it, emotionally - and even spent some time helping to sift through the rubble, finding things to keep or throw away.
  • Still regret being convinced to throw away plushies, including childhood ones... hindsight, could've pulled out the stuffing, washed them, re-stuffed them... ohwell... Still, I miss them, a lot.



? : Moved into my own appartment
Need to find the exact date this happened, but it was a few months after the fire


? : Narse moved in to live with me
  • Rent started at $680 I think. By the time we left, it was closer to $815 or so.
  • Never once did I ever charge rent. I did my best to keep them happy, going out for food, with friends, etc.



? : Branching out of my shell, meeting new furs
  • Narse really braught me out of my shell
  • Met a lot of new furs
  • I became more generally friendly, outgoing, confident, building friendships and finding new furs
    • Streak, Sohjin, Pokey - Was Kamo around then?
  • Buying food for everyone, TGI Fridays furs-meets at Metro Center


? : Hosting the Village Inn meets
A couple of us started going to a nearby Village Inn, and it became relatively frequent we would go on Saturdays. It wasn't all too long before a couple others would join, then a few more, and a full blown meet was born, occuring every saturday evening. I was the primary contact with management and attendees.
  • Keeping things friendly, and relatively maintained. Chittering at furs climbing on furniture and whatnot.
  • Making sure everyone paid their bills, picking up the tabs when furs walked out without paying.
    • Paying for leftover tabs, out of my own pocket, almost never getting re-embersed.



? : Lost my job
  • I shouldn't have continued to live the way I did, but I wanted Narse to be happy.
  • I continued to not charge them rent, I still paid for food, went out. Continuing to live the way he'd grown accustom to, because I wanted them to be happy.


? : (TODO) New job
I got a new job somewhere in here - I need to dig up dates and remember which job it was.



? : Buying a house for myself and Bad Dragon
  • I'd incurred some $10k or so of credit card debts by this point. I'd just found a new job, and was thinking of buying a house.
  • The prospect still was iffy, the biggest reasons was I was tired of paying rent going nowhere - I wanted to invest in something, make monthly payments worth while.
  • But the biggest tipping point, was someone coming along and offering a prospect. A new company being formed, that would be great to get off the ground.
  • Deciding to go with it
    • I was wanting to get out of renting, anyway - this prospect was added insentive to do so
    • The prospect was definately the tipping point - why I purchased the house I did, when I did.
    • The house-hunting included requirments for a large shed or workshop to be included, as well as a decently sized garage.
    • It was also determined that certain individuals were going to move into the house, so a specific number of rooms was required as well.
    • Granted, I'd have gone with a cheaper house, certainly one without a workshop, had I not decided to help with the startup
    • Were it just myself and Narse, the number of rooms would have likely been fewer, house would've been smaller, and wouldn't have carred about a workshop.
    • Eventually we found a great house, but I could barely afford it. The mortgage was high, and it took a large down payment
    • No one seems to remember, one of the reasons I decided to invest time and money into this new venture - was so that, eventually, my debts could be paid off. That was my investement return, what I expected to get repaid once things took off and were successfull - that the "return investment" I'd get, was to pay off my debts.
      • Yet another point I should have required a contract, stating it all in writing.
  • Taking $8000 loan from the IRS, interest free, elegible to anyone who purchased a new home; arranged payments owed at $500/year. This money went into the venture.
    • I informed everyone that if I took this money, we'd have to stay in the house for 5 years. We couldn't move. Because moving would mandate that I owe the remaining balance, immediately, in full.
    • I remember everyone thinking that, if we were to move, it'd be because things were good and prosperous - that we'd have enough money to not worry about the loan, in such a scenerio.
      • Yet another point I should have required a contract, stating it all in writing.


? : Home Improvements & Preperations for Bad Dragon
Home Improvements prior to moving in
  • Building the ferret pen - for 7 ferrets.
    • A few hundred dollars, and many hours of labor to build a pen, somewhere around 10x10 feet with a 3.5' wall.
    • The pen was very nice, well constructed, had a floor, a door, everything.
  • Rewiring the house for upgraded electrical circuits, from 120 to 220. - This cost somewhere around $2,000.
  • Running cabling and power to the workshop. - Included in the rewiring costs.
  • Installing alarm systems throughout the house - and an additional keypad/sensor for the workshop.


? : Setting up shop with Bad Dragon
  • Working with Varka
    • Was on good terms back then, friendly, working okay together, etc. Prior to the first Anthrocon.
  • Staying up all night, making sure everything was ready. Working on the labels for the Cum-Lube.


? : Trigger/boiling point reached at Anthrocon
  • Knowing how well sales went, knowing how well publicity went, knowing how well everything went... and knowing we were short on supplies back home, I insistantly reminded time and time again that we need to order more, so they'll be there when we get back. So we won't have a delay in production. But no one wanted to bother.
  • On the way home, someone mentioned that they should have ordered supplies. Intended jokingly, with a bit of truth to it, said "I told you so."
    • Unfortunately, this seemed to be the tipping point. Despite the fact that it was true, and the fact that it was said not in spite, but in a jesting reminder. Everything went down hill from here.


? : Defining owners/ownership of Bad Dragon
  • No one else seems to remember or agree. I remember esplicetly- Varka wouldn't ever let me own any part of Bad Dragon. I'd have liked to have had at least some share, but I knew it'd never happen.
    • More pointedly, I wanted to ensure that Varka did not have more than 50% ownership rights. He wanted 100%. I faught with everyone else, to make sure they didn't give in, that they made sure they equally had at least 50% share, despite Varka's individual 50%.
    • I remember knowing that Varka would demand at least 51% if I was an owner - that there's no way he'd give equal share, if I was involved. No one else seems to recal events this way, I suppose it could be me remembering poorly; but I believe Varka told it to me privately.
    • So I opted to not have any shares, and the ownership was split - Varka 50%, and the others splitting the remaining 50% between themselves. I don't remember the exact amounts, right now.
    • I do recal mentioning, I'd give up any ownership rights, as long as I'm re-imbersed for everything I've done. Everyone effectively had the "of course" mentality, as if that was still a given.
    • Yet another point I should have required a contract, stating it all in writing.


? : "Friendly" commission "gift" from Varka (with an intentional stab)
  • At some point he had a commission owed by Fishy-Boner - but he wanted to "be nice" and give it to me.
  • Finding this odd, but accepting it none the less - thinking, perhaps, he's actually trying to be nice and things are going to be better.
  • Little did I know, he'd told Fishy-Boner to include something he knows I absolutely despise and loath and hated at the time.
    • Of course, Fishy-Boner is not at fault in any way, they didn't know any better. They probobly thought it was a 'good thing', an inside joke, or somesuch.
    • But, no - this "gesture of kindness" - was in fact a direct assault against me. Trying to inject something I'm known to hate, into something I'd have enjoyed.
  • Ultimately I ended up paying Fishy-Boner standard commission price, plus a bit for the inconvenience in having them remove the offensive material - and told them to not count it as the 'favor' towards Varka
    • Notably, what I wanted in the commission was more than what they "owed" Varka, and ontop of that Fishy-Boner wanted to do the commission *for* Varka. So those were both two additional reasons I decided to simply pay for the commission, seperately, on my own.
    • Useless bit of info, this happened to be the first piece I ever "commissioned", despite it somewhat being forced upon me. I don't regret it in the least, of course; the piece came out wonderfully, and I do love it, but that is entirely 100% due to Fishy-Boner as the artist, and absolutely 0%/nothing to do with Varka who tried to destroy it.


? : Rent over time not enough to cover everything
  • Things were sluggish, company just still just starting; going well, but nothing spectacular.
  • I wasn't making enough to maintain everything on my own, I tried hard to keep things even and justified.
    • For months (a year+?) I was paying a couple hundred more per month than everyone else was.
  • Eventually, though, I had to raise rent, to acomidate for all the bills I had to pay.
  • Of course, in time, everyone seemed to complain about the high rent.
    • Despite the fact that the cause, was due to credit card payments, that were high because of all the investements I'd made into Bad Dragon.
    • All anyone ever seemed to consider or care about, is that the money was just for rent.
    • That they were paying too high of a rent, for the house they were in.
    • No one ever stopped to think, why? That the rent was high, because I had to pay the credit card bills, that were racked up so high, because of the investments in Bad Dragon.


? : Company Efforts, becoming a Bad Dragon "employee"
Overall, I'd help with Bad Dragon. I'd make products, help with shipping, packing, manufacturing. I even worked to schedule the first professional manufacturing run of one of our products.
  • I spent many hours and put a lot of heart and effort and work into helping to move things along.
  • I got a sallary, at least; but I don't know what it was, in comparison to everyone elses.


? : Built a custom CMS, order/shipping tracking system for Bad Dragon
  • I wrote a tracking system, relatively early on. Keep track of orders and shipping and all that. Was very basic. It was known that it'd need to be replaced in short order.
  • I started writing a new system, a better one, far more powerfull. Live interaction, immediate feedback, all sorts of bells and whistles and features to make the entire process so much easier.
    • Slowly I started getting less and less feedback. Simply 'looks good', or 'cant wait until its done' sort of things. Utterly useless dribble.
    • So, I continued working, since no one seemed to have anything usefull to say on it
      • If you've ever developed any sort of application, you'd know that you need feedback, what's expected, what's desired, USE IT, TEST IT, play with it. Don't just glance at it and say 'looks good'. That's utterly useless.
    • Of course, inevitably, they simply assumed nothing was being done. Because I'd just work on it, and not show a whole lot. Or the front end had little changed, because everything was being done in the backend. No one understood that, just because it doesn't *look* different, that _hours_ of work haven't gone into it.
    • I was perhaps a few weeks, maybe a month, away from wanting to put the system into a live environment and start replacing the old one.



? : Bad Dragon moves from the workshop into the garage
  • Installing AC unit in the workshop.
    • A poor shoddy job done unprofessionally.
      • It left an unfilled hole in the wall, outside, exposed to elements. - The outside was never filled in.
      • The sealant on the inside, was never really cleaned; just foam filled, and never 'trimmed down'.
    • Another point I should've had something in writing - that in my agreeing for them to install it themselves, they'd ensure it was done propperly.



8th : Loss of all my patent (pending), 3 trademark, and 2 LLCs
  • Referense Notes-
    • Date: Mon, 8 Mar 2010 08:57:45 -0700 Subject: Patent Abandonment - "Your patent rights will soon be held abandoned"
    • Mike Rossi - product manufacturer, in Archive email; has dates
  • Prior to starting this investement, I'd started my own little venture, though it was a ways off from doing anything productive.
  • This other venture seemed much more lucrative, and I figured I could use the return investement I'd make, to help kickstart my own projects.
  • However, over time, finances didn't work out. I need to find the exact dates, but at some point things happened...
    • I do know that, while not hugely rich, Bad Dragon was making a decent amount of money - and could have reimbersed me, helped me out, at least paid back some of my investement.
    • But, no, by now it'd become relatively established that they "can't afford it" - I was effectively circling their drain, by this point.
  • My patent came up for renewal, which costs a fair chunk of money, that I didn't have at the time.
    • Ultimately, I ended up losing my patent. That's over $10,000 I'd invested, lost; gone forever.
  • I also had 3 trade marks, related to my investement; those too came up for renewal, and due to finances, I had to let them go as well. They were around $800, each.
  • In the process of all this, I also lost my business licenses.


? : Volvo stolen
  • Investing in the volvo, repairs and service
    • Spent some $2000 on repairs, 'cause I was told the turbo needed to be rebuilt.
    • The problem wasn't solved, yet I still paid $2000. Yay.
  • Losing the volvo
    • This happened prior to losing my job at Natural Data - otherwise I'd not have had a vehicle to get there with, I need to find the date this happened.
    • I'd considered selling the volvo, and eventually found a buyer.
    • They wanted to pay over time, though.
    • I called my insurance company, and they verified to me that I could let the other party take it and pay over time
      • The person on the phone verified that, if the vehicle ended up getting stolen, or if the other party stopped paying and the car disapeared, that I'd still get reimbersed from insurance.
      • I should have had a recording of this, or gotten it in writing, because clearly this is not the case despite them saying it is.
    • I asked Raith to come with me, to make sure everything went smoothly.
      • Raith didn't help me to notice that the documents they filled out were falsified - I should've noticed, but he should've helped too.
    • I made the deal, figured I'd get payments over time for it.
      • They never sent any additional payments from the first.
      • I called the insurance company, and they said that is in fact not covered. They refused to cover the claim.
      • I called the police, they said it was an insurance or legal matter, not a police issue.
      • Effectively, I lost the car, estimated at $1500-$2000 or so. No insurance, no compensation, just gone.


? : Health Issues
  • Sometime, need to find where it fits in, I got sick with bronchitas.. two years in a row..
    • Second time, never really recovered, been coughing for years since
    • Can't be as active as I used to be, wind too easily
  • In the new house, hospital visit, couple years later..


? : Bad Dragon moves from the house/garage, to an actual industrial warehouse
  • Everything was removed from the house.
  • The system I'd built needed to be at the new location.
  • Reluctantly, I allowed it to be installed on servers, there.
    • Yet another point I should have required a contract, stating it all in writing.
  • Turns out they ended up using it for 1-2 years, without any compensation to me.


? : Continuing work for Bad Dragon, sort of
  • I was working long hours, strugglnig to keep my technical job, to make ends meet.
  • They'd said they don't want my system anymore, that someone else is going to write it.
    • Notably, that someone did - 2 years later.
    • Funny, they were a month at most away from using mine, but were so impatient they effectively said "screw off", and then... waited 2 years.
  • It was said that I need to still be productive, in order to keep my pay check.
    • After long hours of work, typically 50-70 hour weeks at my technical job, they required me to go in and do work for them.
    • But they didn't want me doing anything usefull.
    • So, I'd work my regular job, 9-5.. 6... 7... 8... technical job, sallary so no overtime, often resulting in very late hours. It was common to work until 7 or 8.
      • Then, they wanted me to go to the shop, on the other side of town, about 40m away from my other job, and work there. Not a whole lot, just an hour or two.
  • My job with Bad Dragon was now cleaning up. Sweep, pick up trash, clean their kitchen area of their messes, tidy dishes, and the like.
    • Effectively, I was their janitor. Just so I could keep what little paycheck they were still giving me, for a month or two longer.


? : Fired from Bad Dragon
  • After a few months of playing janitor, I was effectively told "Your services are no longer required".
    • Probobly because I opted to not come in for janitorial work, on the days I worked 11+ hours at my technical job.
      • Which would have equated to...
        • Home->Work 0h 40m
        • Work 11h
        • Work->Work 1h 15m
        • Other Work 1h
      • Aproximately 12-15 hours of my day, depending on actual work hours and traffic; which would leave 9-12 hours for sleep and unwinding.
      • Hindsight, I guess I could've continued to manage it. But when you're doing janitorial work, for a company making thousands a month that you helped start out, it wears upon ones soul.
    • I guess that's my own fault.


? : Informed everyone will be moving out of the house (aka: no more rent)
  • Within a month of being fired, I was told everyone is moving.
  • So within a month of eachother, I'd lost my job and my source of income through rent
    • Both of which were helping to pay the bills, that the I'd incured by investing in their company.


? : "Reimbersement" from Bad Dragon for my investement
  • Shortly after the announcement to move, I was given 'reimbersement' for my investement.
    • It was "exactly" how much I put in - no additions, no bonuses, no actual return. Just, as if repaying a debt owed, without any interest or benefits.
      • I litterally had to go through every single credit card statement I could find, and pour over every purchase, and justify to them that it was an investement in Bad Dragon.
      • Here's some hindsight, take better notes.
    • It was significantly less than I actually invested, because I couldn't provide enough paperwork. I couldn't find all the statements, some were too old.
      • I think I also didn't do the math accurately, for all the interest and monthly payments, that had accured from the credit cards.
    • It was provided via 1099, which meant I owed taxes on it.
      • Years later, I'd be told this probobly was wrong.
      • Supposedly investement returns are non-taxable, or that I should've been given the money differently, and shouldn't have had to pay taxes on it.
    • I ended up owing close to 40% of what I was given to the IRS. So my "return investement", I ended up losing nearly half of.
      • Notably, when this was braught up, I was told "That's not our problem." - Those exact words. I remember them, very well.


? : Loss of Job
  • Within a month of learning all this - Losing my job with Bad Dragon, and everyone moving
    • I lost my technical job, as well.
  • Completely out of work, looking for a new job.


? : I was left with a choice ~ Moving from my home (debatively forced)
  • I could live with them, rent free, for up to 1 year.
  • I could remain in the house.
  • I could move out on my own.
  • Given that I'd been stripped of 2/3 of my income, this decision was quite automatic
    • I couldn't afford to live in the house, even if I got other roommates. The rent I'd be able realisticly charge them, simply wouldn't be enough to cover expenses.
    • I couldn't afford to move out on my own, I'd never be able to afford the average rent anywhere with what I was making.
  • So my only option was to move in with them - where I'd have no rent. Try to restablize myself.
    • Quietly, to myself, for whatever insane reason - I'd hoped that, in time, they'd realise what they'd done to me. That maybe, just maybe, things would be fixed and remedied and they'd realise what they'd done.


? : Some of "them" make an emphasis to ensure I know they are still my friend
  • Funny thing is, they still said they're being my friend.
    • I don't remember the specific quotes, I'd had them written in my original notes I lost...
    • I know Kamo had mentioned at one point, that they were helping me, by firing me and moving out.
      • That sometimes a friend needs to do this to another friend, to help them.
      • I'm still trying to figure out just how this has helped me.
  • They also seemed to sincerely believe that, because they were giving me a place to live, that they were in the right.
    • Somehow, what they were doing, was good and justified.
  • They hounded on me to get rid of the house
    • They wanted me to sell it, or foreclose it, or file for bankrupsy.
    • They really wanted me to file for bankruptcy.


? : Rediculously obserd contract to live with them
At this point, I'd finally gotten it into my head how much I'd messed up. That I didn't get things in writing. That I trusted my friends, far too much.
  • I asked for something in writing, stating that I'd be allowed to live, rent free, for up to 1 year.
  • I got an e-mail with a contract, to my e-mail account with Bad Dragon. Oh, how I wish I'd saved a copy. It was one of the most rediculous things I've ever read or heard in my life.
    • I cannot recal all of the points, or how everything was phrased. If I ever get my paws on a copy, I most certainly will archive it here.
      • * Must keep all public areas neat and clean
        • - Notably, it didn't meantion my own messes. It was phrased in such a way, that made it sound as if I was responsible for ensuring all public areas were always clean. eg: That I was effectively their maid.
      • * Must always be happy.
        • - Pretty much was phrased just like that.
        • - I guess they didn't want me seeming down, depressed, frustraited, or otherwise emotional about anything.
          • - Notably, I quietly interpreted this as 'appear happy', though; that I was to put on a facade, and effectively smile through gritted teeth.
      • * That all debts have been repaid and no individual or company owes me anything at all in any fassion anymore.
        • - This was the kicker, in absolutely no way was I going to agree to this atrocity.
  • I replied with my comments on their contract, after I'd cooled off from reading it; my responce was pointed, but polite.
    • I braught up the points that made little or no sense, and my thoughts on certain aspects.
  • The next day, my e-mail was disabled.
  • I never heard anything further of the contract.
  • I never did get anything to sign.
    • Perhaps I should've still tried to get something in writing - but it was clear to me, no one was taking anything seriously at this point.
  • So I just continued on, assuming that what they implied in the contract is what they required of me to stay.. and knowing that I could never afford to be anywhere else, I simply grinned and bore it..
    • Worrying that I'd lose my place of residence at any point in time, every day wondering if I'd come home to an empty room, or that I'd be asked to leave at any point.
      • All because I wasn't happy enough, didn't smile enough, or.. who knows whatever possible reason.
    • Wondering, every day, if you'll still have a home to return to.


? : Removal of ferrets
We had 6 ferrets at one point, I believe; 5 of theirs, 1 of mine. They "gave them to a good home", I can only hope that's true. I have no idea what they actually did with them, where they went, or to whom.


? : Found a lot of art supplies and artwork abandoned by Narse
It was sitting by the side of the house, next to the garbage bins. It had rained two nights before and had been left out, so everything was soaked and some molding had occured. I recovered the supplies, cleaned what I could, and threw away what must be - but all of the artwork I salvaged. I layed out and hung every piece of paper to dry, removing the hard-cover from sketch-books and carefully dabbing all of the mold with bleach to remove it, hanging the books to dry and placing them (in still the same page-order) into plastic sheet protectors. It took many hours over a number of days to successfully de-mold and dry everything, but every thing was salvaged with minimal damage.


? : Home expenses preparing for renting/tenants
The actual dollar amount exists somewhere but cannot find it, but it was in the hundreds - the amount spent cleaning the house, reparing any damages, and destroying/removing the ferret pen. I remember they did reimberse for some of this work, but I do not remember how much; it certainly was not the entirety.



? : Self perspective: cold, bitter, reclusive. It's all my fault.
Time marches on...
  • So, by this point, I've spent (tens of?) thousands of dollars on this company. By now they're making hundreds of thousands a year, possibly a million.
  • I'm completely burried in debt.
  • I've lost my patent, my trademark, my own companies.
  • I've lost some 3-5 years of my life, where had I not invested in this company, I'd have had money to enjoy myself in other ways.
    • Some of my hopes and dreams, are slowly drifting away, becoming difficult or impossible to do, now, with too much time having passed.
  • I've grown cold, bitter, quiet, reclusive.
    • It's still difficult to look them in the face, knowing that they don't care about any of this.
    • It's difficult to do anything fun or enjoyable with furs and friends, that I'd gained over the years.
      • They're all aquanted with this company, employees or otherwise relevant
        • They think Bad Dragon is the greatest thing in the world
        • I can't talk about my problems with them
        • I can't tell them how much I dislike Bad Dragon, and some of the people involved
    • So, I end up seeming distant from my friends... who no longer are my friends, because I've gone too distant.
    • Or when I meet someone new, it's always around the specific individuals of that company, it's difficult to be happy when they're around...
  • I guess it's my fault, for not being able to play pretend.
    • To act as if everything is just fine, even around those specific individuals, and be joyfull when they're around.


11th : Never Forget
There are no words that can describe this day. Regardless of what others may think or have thought, this absolutely devistated me as well; and despite everything, I never would wish or want this. (2016-03-14)
? : Left Behind: Hospital
I made it very clear that I wanted to go see Narse in the hospital, when a Raith and some others were going to go in the morning. I wanted to be there for him. They left without me, they didn't even say they were leaving; I just found they were gone. I cannot help but wonder if Narse ever thought I chose not to be there... which is as far from the truth as possibly could be.
? : Left Behind: Tow yard
I made it very clear that I wanted, needed, to see the vehicle. It was a sort of closure I felt I really had to go along for, when they went to the yard. Kamo knew for sure, as did Raith I believe. They all went, left without me, and said nothing.



? : Loss/removal of previous notes
These are my personal notes, most of them litterally as I wrote them, on the dates specified. Some had some formatting modifications, or spelling/gramatical errors. Some I've left in tact, exactly as I wrote them, because modifying them now would completely alter the tone and weight they carried at that point in time. What I still have, goes back as early as 2012-05; I know I used to have ones older than that, I don't know where they went. I think I might have deleted them after the accident, in an effort to be respectful; a part of me is wishing I could find them, or recover them, still. I used to have notes on other, events, dating back a long ways... other frustraitions and thoughts... I don't know where that file went... I think I may have deleted it... trying to 'start new', to let go of all the troubles; I think when things were looking 'okay', or, somesuch... I'm wishing I hadn't.. things are far from okay... sometimes I wonder if they ever really were... if it all was a lie, the entire time, everyone just 'playing nice'... the entire time...


? : Left Behind: Never Forget
Don't remember what day.. everyone went to CA, no word, no notice, just.. gone. Only a couple remained behind, apparently ticketing screwups... if someone had even mentioned it, I could've found a way to travel... even if I had to coerse Stephen to fly me (us) out there... it could've been done. Only conclusion... they didn't want me (us?) there... ... why...
27th : Previous Occurances: Badges, birthday, wasted food, and dishes
The following were noted on this date, but the events occured earlier in the month.
  • Rethoras's Badge - Narse said he'd be happy to do it. Repeatedly asked if he was wanting to, over the weekends, for 3-4 weeks. He eventually said he'll ask for info, never did.
  • Going to movies - I had $25 in gift cards, said I'd like to see movies, no one ever mentioned ever even going to a movie.. let alone asking if I cared to join.
  • Some outing - I come home one day, seeing everyone driving away - I wave, they wave back. Door won't open, spend five minutes outside battling with the handle; remember no one ever locks the back door, get in that way. Hours later, everyone returns; I think it was Narse's birthday, no one ever mentioned anything before or after about it to me.
  • Firon (sp?) visited, made food - Probobly 3-4 meals worth of leftovers, if not more, was left out overnight. Wasted. No one seemed to even bat an eye, "Whatever."
  • That same day (left out food), Raith and Sarmanikan cleared the fridge; throwing away MY food for the next two days, that I had left in there. Without ever asking. - Also threw away a lot of food that was still good. (eg: salsa)
  • Amusing sidenote... Raith came up and asked if I could do dishes, saying he and Synkardis had been doing them all month. Funny, I'd done them that morning, and the night before.


19th : Drug use in the house, seriously?
  • I have trouble breathing... stomach was tight, felt full, but hadn't eaten in hours... lungs just feeling, wrong... took inhaler... cleared up, a little... shortly after, I notice, everyone's in a big circle, in the upstairs living room... smoking, some sort of pipe, with an orange cylander... guessing from snippets of conversation overheared through the noise, it sounded like they were smoking salvia... opened windows, closed vents, blocked hallway panel... still could smell insence, still coughed.. body hurts... going to bed...


25th : Ignored for an outing
  • Seems everyone went out to see a movie... my door was open the whole time, no one bothered to even ask. I'd mentioned, numerous times, I wanted to see a movie... probobly the one they went to see. Even had giftcard to cover my cost, was room in cars or for me to drive one... could've gone, didn't even know anyone had left until I noticed the house was quieter than usual, hours later. Probobly was 'Expendables 2'. Tojo was visiting.


? : Found a website depicting others having issues with Bad Dragon
I stumbled upon this website.. I really should consider contacting them.. maybe someday..
Re: Bad Dragon Seriously PR'd
ProvincialTwit : All I'm sayin' is if certain former members of the Bad Dragon staff wish to anonymously tell their stories via the medium that is Vivisector just, y'know, send an email to [email protected] or PM one of us.
gmail : vivisector : vivisecto


9th : Thoughts/realizations about taxes, loans, and investments - and how Bad Dragon did it wrong
  • I was talking with Stephen about something, and somehow taxes and loans and investements came up... basically, he said that, as far as he was aware, if you invest in something... then are getting payments from that investement... that they shouldn't be taxable. Or if you're being paid back a loan, that that isn't taxable. -- So, why the heck did I have to pay taxes, when Bad Dragon paid me back?
  • If this is true, not only did Bad Dragon under pay me... but the thousands of dollars I lost to taxes, I shouldn't have... which means, if I wasn't supposed to lose that money... then I could've paid off more debts... if I could've paid off more debts, I wouldn't be in as bad a situation as I am now... it would've cascaded in ways, no one could ever know, now.

11th : Ignored and shunned by some of them?
  • I stayed home today, for obvious reasons. But whether or not it should've been obvious... no one bothered to mention to me, that everyone else was staying home. That apparently everyone was coming over.
  • In all practicality, I'd have been at work... and had no idea anything was happening, during the day. Things started around 1030am, preping and cooking...
  • While it may have been 'obvious', no one said anything, at all... so it gave off a sort of "you weren't invited" kinda vibe. Like everyone going to CA... no one said anything.
  • Far as I would have figured, I thought something would've happened... later in the day... where, had I gone to work, and got home at 5-6-ish, I'd nothave missed anything... or not much, at least...
  • (later that same day)
  • Go downstairs for water... Sarmanikan mention's something about food she's making, that I should be okay with it, nothing I don't like... whatnot. But no one's there yet, food isn't anywhere near done...
  • Hours later, everyone's watching movie... no one's said anything to me... I go downto get more water... half the food's already gone, Sarmanikan's dishes have a few scraps left to try at least... no one ever mentioned food was ready...
  • Guess I'm just forgotten about, or not important enough, or... who bloody knows. Not part of their nitch group anymore, so why should they bother...
  • (much later, rolling past midnight)
  • Was downstairs, looking over what was left for food... a couple things still left out, but seemed to be nibblers on them still... so didn't put them away... everyone's in Narse's room, chattering on about something or other, I dunno, can't hear, didn't listen much... all of a sudden, the door closes... why the heck would the door close? I'm the only one around, that *isn't* in that room... so why would they close the door? Only possible reason, is they didn't want ME to hear something... why, I've no clue... I don't understand.

12th : Wasting food, left out to spoil
  • Knew I should have checked before I went to bed... I just knew it... I thought to, but everyone was up so late, I was tired of dealing with it all... closed my door,and kept to myself, when I was finally able to get away with it..
  • Of course, come morning... I hadn't checked the prior night... and low and behold, there's food left out... chicken 'japaneze curry', was bloody good too, but now... just wasted... a huge thing of rice, too. At least 3-4 meals, possibly stretched to 5-6. That's days, DAYS, worth of food... just thrown out.

14th : Brief hospitalization and mixed signals
  • Most of the prior day (13th) had mild chest pain and sore right-shoulder, not sure why, but shrugitoff-able... went to bed, around 2-ish... Woke up 4:30 am... could barely bend over, the pain was too great...
    • Ended up giving in, going downstairs, waking Narse up to go to hospital... though he seemed worried enough about it, he called 911 first instead... checked out with them, nothing seemed wrong, suggested hospital...
      • So Narse droves me to the Hospital, stayed until around 10-ish... then decided to go home and sleep... barage of tests; blood work, urine sample, chest cat scan, ultra sound, x-rays... doctor had no clue.
      • Severe pain right shoulder, and just underneith right 'breast' area - by the time we were seen, and tests began, was feeling worlds better... when I was knocking on Narse's door, I was practicaly on the floor.
    • While waiting, Narse mentions he'd explained to Kamo where he was... 'cause, he had to, was Monday and Narse should've been at work... so had to say something... explained what was going on to Kamo...
      • I mention I'd have prefered to have kept things quiet, which I still prefer, but... not much to do about it... 'course, understand, he had to say something...
      • Point being, at some point there, Narse said.. "Yeah, but you like Kamo". ... No comment from me -.- Kamo's as guilty, if not moreso, for claiming to be a friend and screwing me over like everyone else did...
    • Narse pics me up around 12-ish, when released... offers to buy lunch, I offer to buy, he wont let me.. so buys lunch.
    • Later that evening, buys dinner for pretty much whole house, from Claim Jumpers via delicious deliveries... can't have been cheap, at least 60-100...
    • We get home, I thank Narse again, 'cause... well, I do. Narse says something like, "Yeah, of course.. we look out for eachother." - implying the household, I think.. not just him and me... he may have said 'we all'.
  • So, I'm lost.. confused.. conflicted with mixed messages... yet again... they do nice things, and... pretend like the other things never happened? ... or do they not realise how badly they've destroyed years of my life?
  • Far as I know, it's possible the whole thing could've been caused by stress... there's not much that I stress over, more, than all this whatnot stuffs... I just don't get it...

23rd : Wasted food, left out to spoil
  • 2 whole barrows pizzas left out. I didn't get to them in time... litterally, thrown away; garbage.

24th : Salvaged food after everyone had gone to bed, that otherwise would have spoiled
  • Half a peter piper pizza left out. Salvaged.

30th : Salvaged food after everyone had gone to bed, that otherwise would have spoiled
  • Synkardis borrowed a roll of panter's tape a few days ago, haven't seen it returned yet. Today he borrwed a dark blue dry erase marker, we'll see if I get that back or not.
  • Taco Tuesday... leftovers scavanaged at midnight, still left out after everyone's gone, in the paper bags they came in. 1 Del Taco soft taco, 1 Burger King chicken strip, just over a dozen ('small' size?) Burger King onion rings (leftover from a medium/large), 2 'Albertsons Chicken Tenders' (breaded/fried/boneless chicken, like a chicken strip, but full breast sized; TWO of them!), just over a dozen 'Albertsons Fries' (huge, steak/thick cut, dill-pickel-sized fries)

31st : Halloween events remind me of the fursuit I don't have, and dredging up all responsible for that
  • Seems my marker was returned... with a sharpy, that wasn't mine. They were on my floor, spread out, as if someone had litterally tossed them into the room. WTF? Not like there isn't shelf space, table space, etc around...
  • (commented later that evening)
  • Everyone seemed happy towards me... way too happy. To the point it was irritating me, to not be able to freaking say anything... Sarmanikan's mate asked why I wasn't outside, socializing; that I should be more social. Semjay, in fursuit, tried to 'scare'/tease me at one point; later, out of suit, she asked if she scared me, and (after answering no), was saying how she was just trying to get me more involved. WTF - Push me out, then want me back in? What's with all this? - I can't even say anything. So now, to them, just looks like I'm anti-social... wtf.
  • Ontop of that... no one realises how much I want a fursuit... I want a fursuit, so badly, so very much... but I can't forgo a convention, because I'd go insane... and my finances are too tight, otherwise, to be able to afford one; like owing the IRS $7,000, and my debts still in the tens of thousands... I want a fursuit so very much, and they were all in their fursuits, having fun, blah blah blah... without a freaking care in the world, that the reason _I_ can't have a fursuit, is because of THEM... having SCREWED with my LIFE.
  • (commented later that evening)
  • Today sucked... lebido's down, even vore feels.. meh... motivation for anything at an alltime low... no one bothers to talk to me online anymore, even Nin goes quiet.. having his own problems, too.. I can't even help him -.- ... ... I'm too drained, too tired, too fed up with havnig to pretend to be happy all the time... it's sucked everything from me... something needs to change... and soon...
  • (commented later that evening)
  • Nasty headache... everyone's asleep... at least someone remembered to put the freaking pizza's in the fridge, this time; Barros, pepperoni I think, as if anyone will actually ever eat the leftovers.. my stomach can barely tolerate them anymore... found about a 'small' sized 'Sonic Tater Tots' left out, I wrapped and put in fridge...


5th : Reconnecting with Tur, despite Bad Dragon blatent disregard
  • Tur, from Earth Eternal... sent me an e-mail today, while I'm at work. It's been years(?), at least a year, since we last spoke... not on bad terms, just, distant appart without Earth Eternal to chatter on... he mentioned he'd sent a ticket (actually opened a ticket) to Bad Dragon, asking if there's any way to get ahold of me - or to have someone forward a message to me, to get in touch with him. He sent me a copy of the responce, from 'Quirc' I think, or somesuch. I'll have to recheck the log to get it. I think it's Sarmanikan's mate, though... regardless, the message basically says that Bad Dragon can't give out any information regarding any employees, past or present. -- Point being, I come home, and no one bothers to even mention that someone was trying to get ahold of me, at all; at the very least, you'd think someone would at least mention the event. Especially Sarmanikan's mate, if that really was who responded; because he's been 'nice' to me, trying to get close, be friendly, be social, even trying to get *me* to be social. I'd think he'd at least say *something* to me. -- Hopefully I'm simply wrong, and who responded to Tur, wasn't Sarmanikan's mate.
    • The ticket responce, that Tur copied to me

      In the interests of privacy and confidentiality, we cannot provide any personal information regarding former or current employees of Bad Dragon. I apologize for any inconvenience.


      Quirc Talanis
      Customer Service Team Lead
      Bad Dragon Enterprises, Inc

      Ticket Details
      Ticket ID: UZL-567-26001
      Department: Escalated Tickets
      Type: Issue
      Status: Closed
      Priority: Medium

      Support Center: http://contact.bad-dragon.com/index.php?
    • The e-mail Tur said he replied with to [email protected]bad-dragon.com
      I am not asking for personal information, I am merely asking that, if Badger is still the webmaster of bad-dragon.com, or if the owners of the site are still in contact with him, he be informed that I, Tur Brethil, aka Fox, Feantur, etc., wish to speak to him at his leisure.
      Also, I apologize for the change in email address; for some reason, Gmail is being uncooperative.
  • When I got home, I overheard some random chatter, Semjay was over, talking with Sarmanikan, Raith, Synkardis, and Quirc... I only caught snippets, but enough to get a general idea of what's going on. I heard things like ~"...anyone that wants to be in it...", a couple comments about Semjay being a talker, "...would be good for them...", and how "...some might not want to be in it..." ... Some other comments, "...try to leave Furry and the fandom and sex out of it...". Then, the kicker, I heard, "...they said they usually are there filming for about 3 days...". -- So, someone is filming stuff for Bad Dragon. What could it be? Whatever it is, I can garantee to you, that the humble beginings that cost a Badger tens of thousands of dollars won't be braught up. I wonder if they'll take all the credit...
  • Either way, later that night, around 1030pm, I get a knock on my door. It's Quirc. Actually knocking, trying to be 'social'. By wanting to show me the gun he just baught. I noticed it when I came home, it was laying on the table in the living room upstairs, ammo next to it and all, no lock. Basically when I open the door, he says ~"Want to see the 1500 piece of equipment I just baught?" or something along those lines. $1,500 freaking dollars, and I can't even tell him how much I'm screwed over for financially; let alone, mention that it's Bad Dragon's fault. So I grin and bear it, smile and try to play nice... say I've got work to do, and can't be out for long. -- He invited me to go shooting on the weekend, too; mentioned Varka would be there, as if that had anything to do with anything... that alone would make me say no, let alone the fact that I couldn't afford such a thing, let alone the fact that I don't belong with anyone in that circle who'd be going. Especially Varka.
  • No mention at all of Tur trying to get ahold of me.

6th : Unsecured weaponry, and blatent disregard for communication
  • The MR1 Benelli was left out, no one was home but me, and I had to go to work. So the riffle is out, with no one home. At least I'm 100% positive I set the alarm and locked the deadbolt/bottom-lock on the front door. I did not check the back sliding door, hindsight. As far as I could tell, no security device was in place on the rifle. Two boxes of ammo, two clips (half loaded), the rifle (in tact, assembled), was layed out in it's open case on the table upstairs. There was no clip in the rifle, at least; but I have no idea if a round was in the chamber or not. The trigger looked like it was locked in a pulled back position, but I don't know what position it would 'normally' be in.
  • Tur sent me a forwarded responce, regarding the whole 'can you get me in touch with Badger' thing. -- It says that "as he isnt around to grant consent". Uh huh. I'm not around. I'M LIVING WITH YOU, YOU FREAKING IDIOT! If Quirc is Sarmanikan's mate. If Quirc isn't Sarmanikan's mate, than at the very least, I LIVE WITH HALF THE OWNERS! Get it through your thick SKULL. -- Of course, everyone knows this. Everyone must know this, I can't see how they wouldn't; unless I'm beeing hidden away, not mentioned that I'm living here, for whatever reason. Or, the more likely explanation - they simply choose not to forward the message. They don't want to. Why? Gawds if I know. Screwing me over, all the more. -- They don't know who this guy is, sure; but what if it was an important message? What if it was something I really wanted to know? Or someone I was trying to get in contact with? -- They could at the very least, tell Tur they won't tell me anything, but *tell* me something *anyway*. And leave the disision up to ME. E-mail responce as follows--

    No worries about the email. Badger is no longer working with us and we cannot get you in touch with him as he isn't around to grant consent, hence my initial response. I do apologize for any confusion.


    Quirc Talanis
    Customer Service Team Lead
    Bad Dragon Enterprises, Inc

    Ticket Details
    Ticket ID: UZL-567-26001
    Department: Escalated Tickets
    Type: Issue
    Status: Closed
    Priority: Medium

    Support Center: http://contact.bad-dragon.com/index.php?

8th : Confirmation that Quirc Talanis is in fact who is living in the house
  • I managed to trac down confirmation, Quirc Talanis is listed as Sarmanikan's mate on Fur Affinity. So, I feel safe to assume, that the one staying at the house now, is in fact Quirc... and as 'nice' as he's been, he's hiding things from me just like everyone else - eg: Not informing me that someone was looking for me.

12th : Disregarded - how easy to forget I'm here too
  • Came home to 3 pizza hut pizza's on the counter... Narse walked by, didn't offer any... as I was making rice... I dunno if I'm allowed to have any or not... I don't bother asking anymore, though.. didn't take any.. (Notably, Quirc and Sarmanikan were upstairs watching TV, and said nothing when I walked by, either)
  • Later that evening, I go downstairs with dishes... Quirc happens to be down there... he mentions I'm welcome to have some of the pizza, if I wanted.. at least someone bothered to actually put it in the fridge for once... -- He mentioned that, if there's still some left, he's going to take it home... because no one's going to be here... I look at him inquisitively, and he says everyone's going to Midwest Fur Fest (2012). Well, that's news to me. If I hadn't happened to have had that little interaction with Quirc, I'd have never even known... just come home one day, to an empty house... 'cause no one actually bothers to tell me anything anymore... let alone offer anything... ... I still wonder if they're purchasing airline tickets for FC... I really hope they don't screw me over on that...

13th : Thanks for emptying the water cooler
I go downstairs to get some water, and check on cooking food... notably, a tuesday. Quirc is getting water from the cooler, and completely drains it... bone dry. Gets a couple sodas, leftover pizza, comments about what I'm making 'Hope you enjoy it', sounded like a "nice comment" with a subtle undertone; I said he's welcome to some... but he said he had the pizza. I'm out of water, and a tad dehydrated, so needed water... but I'm not supposed to lift like that, from my shoulder/chest... I do it anyway, hurts, coughing... meh. Good to know who drains the water, and doesn't bother changing it; or at least one of them who doesn't.
14th : Completely forgotten that I'm living here
  • Alarm was set to 'Away' when I woke up, thanks guys... not like I'm here or anything, to set it off, when I go downstairs...
  • While parusing online, curiously trying to find any information on this supposed "film for 3 days", show/interview/whatever (I still don't know what that's all about), I stumbled upon an article. Apparently published/written on 2012-09-20, the url here: http://www.sfbg.com/pixel_vision/2012/09/20/werewolf-beats-all-interview-ceo-fantasy-sex-toy-site-bad-dragon -- Most notably, the question asked, "Who started Bad Dragon and why?". Of course, there's no mention of where the initial funding came from, the startup location, or anything I provided whatsoever; it's all portrayed in a manor, as if they did everything, not even a mention of 'help from other places', even uncredited. Curiously, it says founded June 2008, just before Anthrocon; this was before the official articles of incorporation were written, if I remember correctly. Which means, at that time, I still had heavy involvement.
  • Come home, all the cars are here, alarm is on, Raith's bedroom light is on, everything else is off... no one's home. I call Narse, he says "Oh yeah, we're all at MFF." - He even said something along the lines of, "I looked at me phone, saw 'Badger', and thought... Oh yeah...", as in, 'oh yeah, I probobly should have said something'. As in, no one freaking tells me anything anymore... as in, no one thinks to tell me anything... as in, no one thinks of me... I may as well not be here... may as well not freaking exist, as far as they're concerned...
  • Oh yeah... on the phone, Narse mentioned Moore would be stopping by to check on the house... so, I'm left wondering... why would anyone need to stop by, to check on the house? If they mean during the weekdays, no one is here *anyway*, because everyone is at work; so how is it any different? ... There's only two possible explanations... either they don't trust me to watch the house, or they truely completely forgot that I even live here... given that the alarm was set to Away, I'm guessing the later... to them, I'm not even here... I may as well not exist... thanks, my so-called friends... thanks...

16th : Blatent disregard for (destruction/damage of) my personal property
  • So I decided to make food, and needed a spatula.. it was dirty, so I looked for the big plastic spoon.
  • I found it. Bent. Like it was meant to be used as a ladel.
  • There are TWO ladels, in the drawers. Why would someone need to BEND a SPOON to make a LADEL!?!?
  • This is seriously getting out of hand, and really PO'ing me. No respect for property.
  • Just the other day, I went looking for a big pot of mine; a really good nice emeral(?) big spaghetti/soup sized pot, I looked everywhere, checked all the cabinets, dishwasher, sink; no where to be found, it's just vanished, no one knows where it is.
    • Steal my *pots and pans*? _Break_ my cooking utenciles? What the heck?
    • Is it not enough to steal tens of thousands of dollars, completely destroy my credit, take away my patents and my LLC's, utterly ruin me and then 'take me in' and 'help me' by giving me a place to stay, because you're 'my friends'. Bloody freaking great friends... not enough to do all that, have to keep at it, take my pots and break my utencils. I'm getting so sick and tired of all this... I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facad, play nice, be happy, blah blah blah...
    • Notably, the pot showed up a few weeks later. I've no idea where it was, it just appeared on the counter (after their "maid servace" had come through).
    • It had burn marks inside of it. Like someone had put out cigarettes inside of it, or lit fireworks inside of it. This was my best pot.
    • What the heck did they use it for? Who did it? -- And where was it?

22nd : Someone threw out my food
  • I go downstairs to reheat some leftover pasta, that doesn't have anything on it yet.
  • I go to grab some leftover tomato-based sauce, and can't find it; I search the entire frige, it's gone.
  • Frustraited, I just use butter and garlic instead, which isn't what I was after at all.
  • Then it occures to me, the drawer I expected to find the sauce in, was missing more than just that.
    • Two plastic 'cups' of italian dressing (from pizza delivery)
    • 1 jar of 'Queso dip' that had at least 2-4 servings left in it
    • The tomatoe-based sauce I was looking for
    • 2 'cups' of Samari Sam's teriaky sauce (which I was going to use to compare when making my own)
  • I think there may have been a couple other things in there, too; but I can't remember offpaw now.
  • Granted, most of these items were scavanged, things they had left out after everyone had gone to sleep on various dates, and would have spoiled had I not salvaged them.

24th : Damage to my property.
  • So on my way out, I noticed the 'poker' table. It's mine, they'd been using it. A couple weeks ago, I did a once-over on it; looking for any major damage, stains, and stuff. It was surprisingly in reletively good shape. No real stains. I look at it, today, and there's at least two nasty stains on it now. What- Did you guys figure, it's not yours, your not taking it, who cares, suddenly you can just not be careful around it? Seriously? You just go and destroy someone's stuff. Again. Lovely.

29th : Also, coincidence or rewarded behaviour?
I was doing dishes downstairs, most of them were mine anyway
  • Narse comes down, and says he's going to Jack-n-the-Box, and if I want something, he's buying.
  • I've noticed this behaviour a few times before, I'll be doing something, cleaning something up, or doing dishes, and he'll offer something.
  • Is it just coinsidence? Or is it some sort of reward, like I'm some pet to be praised for doing something good?
    • Granted, there's a few times where he's offered to buy something, or simply bought something without mention, where I cannot think of any direct correlation to anything I'd have done recently.
    • I hope it's purely coincidence, and not some 'reward mentality'.

30th : Told I need to find a new place to live
Raith and Sarmanikan knocked on my door and effectively told me I should start looking for a new place to live.
  • The lease for the house expires the end of February, and they don't think they'll find any place that will fit me as well.
  • Notably, they opened with "It's not working out. Messes in the bathroom, and the kitchen."
  • Then when directly asked, "Is it you want to get rid of me, or that you can't find a place to accomidate me?"
    • They said they just don't think they'll find a place. Given what they opened with, I suspect they were lieing through their teeth.
    • Their (other) reasoning is they want more space, and the accident memories passing through the intersection almost every day.
      • I can understand the later, obviously. I can't go past there without thinking about it all, myself.
    • Raith wants a bigger room for themself and Synkardis.
    • Sarmanikan wants a bedroom for themself and Quirc, and a *second* room as an office
      • Effectively, Sarmanikan wants 2 rooms, just for them. No wonder they don't think they'll find a place big enough to include me.
    • Funny thing, on the messes in the bathroom/kitchen...
      • I don't make any in the bathroom, I can think of not a single instance at any point in time that anyone ever mentioned any mess in the bathroom, from me, at all, ever.
      • As for the kitchen? I've had a few messes, but I clean them up; it's part of cooking. Typically the worst I'd leave is putting dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is full/running.
        • I've done far more dishes and cleaning than any of them, perhaps except Narse.
        • If you want to complain about messes, what of ALL the food that they constantly leave out?
        • Dishes left upstairs and whatnot, pizzas left out on the counter, everything.
    • Oh yeah, Sarmanikan mentioned Varka's looking for a roommate; hah. She just had to go there.
  • I faught with myself all night. I tried to talk to Narse, Raith was always with them, or his door was always closed.
  • I sat, and pondered, half hoping he'd not come out, half hoping he would. Thinking of all the things I'd say to them, all the things I'd want to ask them, everything I'd say and do in response all the possible answeres he could give.
  • One question, "Do you want me to leave?", one simple question.
    • What would I do, what would I say; if he said yes, if he said no, if he hesitated.
    • I'd come up with an answer for every plausable course of action.
    • Except my inability to follow through.
    • He did open the door
      • I could see the strain on his face before he even spoke.
      • I shouldn't have asked.
      • I did.
      • Why, why do you effect me so much, still, Narse. Why?
      • It took all my strength to not break down and cry, myself; even as I type this, it tears at me.
      • He was holding back tears, his face completely scrunched, to the point it looked painfull; and still tears came through.
      • Oh, how he did not want to answer that question.
        • But he couldn't.
        • He hesitated.
        • He said "I don't know..", in so many words.
        • I *think* he doesn't want to lose what he has, but he doesn't want to lose me either.
        • He said he doesn't want to move North.
        • He said he doesn't want to move at all.
    • Narse has never done well with change
      • I think it's a horrible idea to try and force them into moving; I think it's Sarmanikan and Raith, pushing them to move. Again.
      • Oh yeah, something else Narse said: "I'm one of the ones left who's still your friend." (Or did he say "only ones"? I don't remember)
        • I really wish I knew why everyone hated me so very much.


20th : Interview
  • Werewolf beats all: Interview with the CEO of fantasy sex toy site Bad Dragon (NSFW) 09.20.12 - 8:29 am | Caitlin Donohue | At this point, the dragon dildos have become a personal archetype. Since Bad Dragon came onto my Internet psyche, the Arizona company's vividly colored sci-fi/fantasy sex toys have lingered around the corners of my mind. The mental exertion that designers had spent on what a cockatrice's penis might look like and on how an orca's vagina would feel to stick yourself into. The craftsmanship (made in the USA.) The lovingly-written, exciting character bios and comic illustrations that let you know that your Moko the Liger toy is embodied by a feline dojo master who favors wearing revealing tunics. At some point, we realized it was perfect for this week's Sex Issue and we made a flow chart in celebration. (You can check the chart in our digital edition, page 29.) Once again, the Bay Area has cause to fulminate on which characters from LOTR, Brian Jacques' Redwall, and outer space it'd most like to meet outside the pages of their fan fic. But Bad Dragon's a slippery slope. Make a flow chart, and you want to know the whole story behind the company. Hence, this email interview with Varka, the mysterious CEO and founder of the company, who dips occasionally into third person in a way we found endearing. Read on for office catfights, and about the supremacy of the werewolf race. SFBG: Who started Bad Dragon and why? V: The initial idea to produce fantasy-themed adult toys happened in 2007, when Varka was first learning to sculpt in clay over Skype with other fantasy enthusiasts. These accidentally created fantasy cocks were amusingly well recieved when photos were posted online. At this point Varka realized that if these toys were to become available for others, significant help would be required to turn the prototypes into a viable business. As a result, Bad Dragon was founded in June 2008 by Narse, Raith, Varka, and Athus, out of a shared love of all things fantasy. At the time there was a very poor selection of fantasy-themed toys available, and so they focused their enthusiasm and talents towards filling that niche. Since the very beginning Bad Dragon has grown at an astonishing rate, starting with just four people and growing to nearly 30 people, all working towards the goal of making fantasies real. Varka is a computing science graduate and systems designer from Scotland that loves to tinker with prototypes, produce proof of concepts, and pursue new ideas. Narse is an esteemed fantasy artist whose love for his favorite characters knows no bounds. His art can be seen today in the character art that accompanies most of the products that BD sells. Raith is a talented craftsman, whose contributions in mold making and model finishing were instrumental in BD's success. Athus was a talented and driven illustrator and 3D sculptor, who created some of BD's finest designs. He sadly passed away in 2011, and is missed by all. SFBG: What is the most popular model? V: Our most popular model is David the Werewolf, closely followed by Natascha the Anthro Husky. Bruiser the Fusion also gets a lot of love from customers. SFBG: Who came up with the idea for the liger edition? V: It was a team effort; we got a lot of requests for something feline-ish through our forums, and that combined with a lack of decent anthro feline toys on the market persuaded us that it was about time we developed something to meet that demand. We ended up deciding on a tiger-lion hybrid -- mainly because there was no clear winner in the tiger versus lion versus panther "catfight" that took place via staff emails! SFBG: Does the Bad Dragon community exist offline? Are there gatherings for the fantasy-sexual? V: The community exists in little pockets offline. We sell at conventions, but often our customers will meet up with one another and host their own small-scale gatherings, particularly at conventions. So far we've not seen many large gatherings mostly because of the wide geographic dispersion of our customers. We're hopeful that with wider exposure and awareness of the fantasy-sexual community (as well as other events which draw in new people such as fantasy/sci-fi conventions) that there'll be more in the future!

  • December

    ? : Recolection about prior "coincidences"
    I don't remember what day it was... but I remember talking with Narse some about stuff...
    • I don't know why or how, but somehow I braught up the event back on Nov. 29th, about the unusual lining up of circumstances.
    • Obviously he said it's just a coincidence... I hope it really is just that.

    2nd : This website, "public" notes starts being put together
    I started to consider a better format for my notes... this site, here, is born.
    7th : Not included in airline tickets for Further Confusion (2013)
    I learned about part of this the other day... two days ago, I think?
    • So... long time ago, at least a couple months, I had asked Narse to make sure whoever's buying tickets for Further Confusion (2013), includes me... he said okay...
    • I gave them occational price watches a couple times... since I have my watcher script, and I used to do ticket purchases for our travels...
    • All this stuff the past couple weeks happen, and I then find out everyone bought tickets already...
    • Streak bought tickets for Narse, and everyone else, already...
    • So, I was left out... great. Thanks guys.
    • As it happens, they all booked for the wrong dates for me, anyway; so I guess there's some semblance of "good" there.
    • Though still, sucks. Had I known I'd have to just buy my own tickets, from the begining, I'd have been able to get in on the holiday prices; which I told Narse about, and clearly got no feedback from.
    • So, now, I spend $129+tax per direction, to travel alone. When I know for a fact, the prices were $79 at one point, when I had recomend purchasing. Figures.

    24th : Personal Reflection
    I make a personal note, relevant to my feelings at the time. I don't remember the exact date, but it was right around Christmas. My mood at the time is reflected in the comments.
    • All of these things, and so many more, hurt me a lot. It's difficult to not think about them.
    • But the one singular thing, the one strongest, most powerfull, painfull thing that tears at my heart more than anything else.
      • I fear I'm going to lose Narse.
      • They said they faught for me, to try and make things right, try and keep me afloat. But they're too easily persuaded by everyone else.
      • I don't think they ever will know, just how much they have hurt me.
      • I don't think they ever will know, just how much I care for them.
      • I don't think I will ever understand why I still do.
      • I just know I do.

    31st : Actually included and thought of by a visiting guest, unbelievable!
    Dreamous(?) was over, and made hamburgers (his jalapeno ones). Moore knocked on my door while I was working, saying there was a burger downstairs for me. Much to my surprise. Dreamous had actually made one for me. Unbelievable. Wish I could've thanked them more, and I wish he knew how unusual that is now.



    1st : Wasted food, left out to spoil
    So a few had a party lastnight, and someone made coctail weiners with bbq sauce in a pot. There was also snacky stuff, sliced salami-style meats, cheeses, crackers, veggies. Luckily most of it got eaten, but some of the sliced meats, and some of the cheeses, and a whole lot of the weiners got left out. Yay for throwing away more food. -- Oh, yeah. The kitchen's a disaster zone, huge mess. Clearly this must be one of "the messes in the kitchen" that is the cause for my upcoming eviction.
    11th : Packing starts
    Woke up today, everyone was packing... it's started already...
    13th : Try to return a favor, but no answer
    Coming home from the store, I decided to call Narse, try and be nice, buy food if he hadn't already eaten.. since I was using his car... but, he didn't answer his phone...
    14th : I cannot be a friend to the friend I (think I still) have
    • I asked Narse if I could borrow his car to go to the store, but wasn't sure when I was leaving, so had his keys...
    • When I left, a bit later, I went down to tell them I was going.. but he wasn't in his room..
    • I went back upstairs, hesitant to go to Raith's room, but peeked in to tell Narse
    • I wish I'd held back to hear what they were talking about... Narse was clearly (sad) upset, I could tell it on his face, and that he tried to hide it the moment he saw me...
    • I don't know what was going on, I figured it best for me to just go, so I left... I feel awful, I wish I could do more, be more supportive, but.. I just can't.. not with Raith there..
    • Coming home from the store, I decided to call Narse, try and be nice, buy food if he hadn't already had dinner... but, he didn't answer his phone... again...
    • I get home, and he says sorry he missed my call... but Raith was there... so I couldn't exactly tell Narse why I had called... oh well...

    22nd : Further Confusion (2013)
    • While I was there, I did my absolute best to not think about everything at home.
      • I did a decent job, only sinking down low once or twice, and only for a couple/few minutes.
      • I think I hid it all pretty well.
    • For those that met me at Further Confusion (2013) - I hope you remember how friendly and open I was.
    • I hope someone can understand how difficult it was, when certain subjects and people were braught up in conversation.
    • I just didn't want to bring drama in, to mess up anyone's good time. After all, I too, was there just to have fun! (Yay)

    23rd : They removed the internet without any notification or warning
    • While at work, I noticed I lost connection to my home server. Of course, I worry for the worst; fearing fire or theft or, hwoknows what. Of course, I also think; what if they took the internet away, while moving.
    • Of course, I get home. Internet is gone.
    • I have work to do at home. This is part of my job. The income I make. My livelyhood.
    • They just took that away from me. I won't have access to my appartment until the 1st.
    • Effectively, unless something happens to resolve this issue, I won't have internet for ~1.5 weeks.
    • This means I can't work from home, for 1.5 weeks.
    • I usually work anywhere from 4-12 hours, a day, from home. On projects. That I need. To make money. To keep things moving.
    • This equates to somewhere around 9 days, totalling 36 - 48 hours worth of work. That's a LOT of time lost. Given the extremely time sensitive nature of the projects I'm working on, this is completely unacceptable.
    • Seriously. No warning. Not even a heads up. Just. Bam. No internet. Gone.
    • I'm going to Best Buy, at 8pm, to try and buy a cable modem. To hopefully still have some manor of internet. We'll see.
      • I get a ride to work from my coworker. He'd just dropped me off, was maybe 5-10m away by the time I called them. I convinced them to come pick me up, and take me to best buy.
      • It didn't take much convincing, considering what just happened.
      • When I was explaining to them what happened, I nearly lost it; I even almost cursed, which anyone that knows me, knows I don't do. I was livid. I was yelling and shouting. I've not been that angry in a very, very. Very long time.
    • I kept calling Narse, 24 times. He didn't answer his phone. His voice mail was full. He never answers his phone, anyway, so I'm not surprised. He finally answered, and said the service was still active, at least; while I was on my way to best buy.
    • I get home from Best Buy. Raith and Synkardis are in the garage, packing. Synkardis actually says hello, all friendly like; as if everything is all fine and dandy. Seriously. You really are that clueless as to what you're doing to me? Or do you simply just absolutely not care that much, that it's all "okay" what you're doing?
    • Takes me an hour to setup and configure everything. I finally get online. Over 2 hours lost due to this. Plus I had to spend ~$150. But at least I'll be able to use the modem I had to buy, at the new apt., anyway.
    • Updated 2016-05-26: I have heard from a reliable source that removing the internet without informing me, was not only intentional, but that it was Kamo's idea and he thought it was hillarious.

    23rd : Hard drive crash and perminant server failure
    Primary home server tanked out tonight.. HD seemed like it was failing.. entire system locked up, linux reporting "commands not found".. then effectively entirely unresponsive. Shut it down, pulled the disk, recovered critical backup data (eg: log files), successfully, thankfully. Put disk back in to start re-synching other less critical files, but the server wouldn't start; pushing the power button, simply does nothing at all, now. Done and done, it's toast. Yay, amidst everything else I have to deal with.


    ? : Personal Reflection
    • I do know, that there are a lot of things that hurt me, right now.
    • When I think about having to move, having to leave all of this.
      • * How will I afford it?
      • * What will I be able to afford?
        • Back to being in an appartment
        • Different type of area
      • * Being alone
      • * Knowing that Bad Dragon will prosper and make millions
      • * Knowing that I will never see any return from my investements
      • * Knowing that I still have to somehow dig myself out of all of the debts I've incurred


    6th : Their movers arrive with no one home, and me on 3-hours sleep - Also given 2 weeks notice at work.
    • So due to circumstances, I end up going to bed around 3am instead of 2am.. and then wake up to doorbell, and banging on the door at 6:15 am... turns out they scheduled the moving guys to arrive at 6:30. Knowing I'm still here. Knowing the things to be moved would be large, and loud. Knowing it'd likely wake me up. They don't even arrive on time, to meet the movers. Awesome. Thanks, guys. You could've AT LEAST given me some kinda WARNING. But oh, yeah, I forgot. That's too much work for you to do. No, never give any advance notice, about anything. So I get like 3 hours of sleep... then am awake for another hour and a half... then finally wake up again a couple hours later... it's not like I still have to work, or anything. You know. That thing, called a job? I understand, you've probobly forgotten about those things by now.
    • So I go to work, and we're s'posed to have some meeting. I'm about to go, and am told programmers will meet elsewhere. We go elsewhere, and am told we'll meet later; that meeting is for others. My coworker and I wait. The ones doing the meeting, end up peeking in, to say they're leaving; never met with me. I pretty much figured what it was about, but still. They said the accountant would "deal with it", when asked about our lack of meeting. We wait, longer. Finally get a call. I go in. Am told I'm being let go, with 2 week notice; I'm supposed to work the 2 weeks, in order to earn the pay. -- A month or two ago, my coworker and I were told, if we stayed, we'd get compensated with bonus or severence for having stayed. Instead of bailing, right then and there, a month or two ago. Which would've put them in a bad position. My coworker and I stayed. We should've gotten it in writing. I got nothing. No severence. No bonus. Just "work for your two weeks to get your last paycheck". That's it. -- Freaking lies. Why do I trust anyone anymore. I'm sick of this. I have absolutely no reason to trust anyone in the world anymore for anything. -- Oh yeah, my coworker was informed about this all, ahead of time, and let me in on most of it; he said that it was mentioned, during his meeting, that I'd be given severence, too. So yeah. Twice the lies.

    10th : Found Athus artwork in large box of Narse's old VHS movies
    There's a big box of VHS movies in the garage, half split open, movies falling out; been that way for months. I asked Narse about it, he said he wasn't going to take it. I won't let Narse throw away his memories, not yet at least; I've collected a number of things he's wanted to throw away, particularly artwork and old notebook/sketches and the like, along with some home-made VHS things that he's recorded (eg: personal/school projects). So, I decide I'll remove all the VHS movies and repair the box, so it'll withstand at least one more moving trip. -- While I was removing the movies, I noticed a bunch of spiral binders, and then a large piece of artwork tucked against the side... it was a picture of Athus, drawn by himself I believe; the binders appeared to be his, as well, filled with old artwork and sketches. There also was a clay/fired "milk bottle" that Athus had made, signed Brian Dyer on the bottom and dated 1999; inside this, was a key to a fire-proof safe, quite likely the safe that Narse didn't have the key for. I glanced through his closet to leave the key, but the safe was gone. I'm packing up all of the notebooks, and the ceramic "milk bottle", these will not be left behind.
    25th : Narse no-call/no-show
    Last week, Narse said (more than once) that he was going to stop by this weekend. The weekends over. No phone call. No message. No showing up. I was here, all weekend. Nothing. -- Notably, I'd also told Narse I had a question to ask him, one that I wouldn't ask over the phone. This was going to be my inquiry, to figure out whether I should restrain myself from making Bad Dragon uncomfortable.
    27th : Narse finally visits
    • Narse finally came over. He called, randomly, and asked if he could come over. That night. I was unpacking stuffs, organizing the 'shed' thing. Figured, whatever, if he wants to. So, he came over.
    • I was still a bit upset about him not calling or saying anything, at all, about the weekend. But eh.
    • He ended up showing up, with a large Jersey Mikes sub, the full sized sandwich they offer for a 'single person' kinda thing; plus a drink. He also gave me $60.
    • That was nice of him. Doesn't make up for everything, but, at least he's trying...
    • I still care for him, sometimes I don't know why, sometimes I can't tell if he's doing stuff just to be nice, or 'cause he actually cares...
    • I wish I could know, if he thinks of me as a burdon, like he does some of his other friends... calling upon them, occationally, just 'cause he hadn't in a while, and feels obligated... more than actual desire to be with them...


    ? : Personal Reflection: Why did I stay?
    Why did I stay? For all this time? Why did I stick around?
    • I honestly don't know.
    • I couldn't afford it?
    • I chose not to afford it?
    • I was afraid of leaving?
    • I had hopes that, someday, maybe, they'd realise their mistakes?
    • I think it's a mix of all of the above, really. And more.


    5th : Narse no-call/no-show (Maybe Thursday)
    • When Narse was over on Wed, he said Dari was going to be visiting them, and wondered if they could come visit me... I said it was okay... no phone call, no show, no nothing... I spent all day working on hanging some of the pictures, to make enough room for them to sit and stuff, on the couch and lovesac and whatnot, for when they get here... I should've been working... I got no where near as much work done as I wanted, today, it was an utter disaster... had I known they simply weren't going to come, I'd not have even bothered putting up pictures... or, at least, I'd not have spent as much time on them, as I did...
    • Only thing I can think of, is maybe, just maybe... did Narse say Thursday? I'll wait to Thursday, and see...

    7th : Not Thursday
    Thursday. No one showed up. No phone call. Guess I did remember Tuesday, correctly; just no one cares.
    18th : Narse plans visit tomorrow
    Narse called at 9:16AM, when I'd gone to bed around 7:00AM. I missed the call. I called him back around 2PM. He said he wants to come over tomorrow "to give me money", around 4:30-5PM. We'll see if he shows up this time.
    19th : Narse actually showed up, but early, and with Dari
    Narse called, 3:00-ish.. said he was already here.. he showed up early, and I'd gone to bed around 9:30 AM.. eh.. at least he showed up.. braught Dari, though.. I dun mind so much.. just, didn't speak my mind as much as I might have otherwise.. he did give me $120, though.. so.. eh..
    30th : Financial reflection, food and air-conditioning, personal reflection
    • Just my thoughts at the moment... It's been an... interesting day, I guess...
    • So I woke up around 1030 or so, with an emense amount of work to do.. nothing unusual there.. but I also had to pay my rent for apt., and my health insurance, and my power, and water.. all totatled, today cost about $1,000.. yay..
    • While I was at the store, getting the check for rent, I decided to look around.. just in case there happened to be something I could afford.. I saw 1lb ground beef "tubes", $0.99/lb, an awesome deal.. I stood there for a couple minutes, though, staring at the price; doing the math as that's only 1-4 meals worth, at $0.25 a meal at best, and realising that's not something I can readily afford right now. Somewhat disheartened, I move on. I found potatoes, tucked around facing the back-wall of the produce section; I've considered buying them in the past, relatively cheap, but not "cheap enough". Seems today they were on sale. $0.77 for a 5lb bag. I baught four, the limit. That's more affordable. Yay for 20lbs of potatoes.
    • I get home, start to work. Around 2000 or so, I get a knock on the door. Turns out it's a process server. Seems one of the credit card companies found my new address (not that I was exactly hiding it, but I didn't volunteer it either). So, I has a summons. Yay.
    • Oh, I still can't open my doors and windows. There's too much smoke, too many smokers, always freaking smoking. There's a couple hours of 'clean air' now and then, but I can't predict it.. and if the windows/door are open when someone starts to smoke, and I smell it in the apt, it's too late to close them, 'cause it just gets trapped in the apt.. so, I just have to leave everything closed.
    • And I'm saving power, and money, by not running my AC unit. So, it's average 80+ degrees in apt. 'cause I refuse to turn on the AC and am incapable of opening the windows/doors.
    • I've just wanted to break down, more than once tongight.. just keep stiffling it back.. dig deeper into work.. try and distract myself.. though even work can be frustraiting, writing stuff that shouldn't be being rewriten right now.. ohwell.. just stare blankly ahead and keep moving forward...
    • (later that evening)
    • So I've been working on stuffs.. keeping myself distracted.. I guess.. probobly doing 10-20m worth of work, in like 5 hours, 'cause it's hard to concentrate.. between stress.. code agrivations.. and 95 degree tempuratures inside the apartment.. -- I've been pretty down.. really was contemplating doing something.. like logging into Skype, dropping Narse a message, telling him to forward my 'thanks' to the Bad Dragon crew responsible.. or sending an FA message to Kytless.. or.. something.. just letting someone know, just how wonderfully miserable, they've made my life... I restrain myself, as usuall, for now.. but then I realise.. I shouldn't call Narse, anyway...
    • He never calls me.. and when he does, he doesn't really want to know about stuff.. and when he does, he kinda just lets it trail off... I mean... it's blatently obvious he'd rather not hear about how bad things are... whether he "actually does care", or not... I know he'd prefer to not know, so he doesn't have to think about it, so it's not in his head... out of sight, out of mind, and whatnot... easier that way, I imagine...


    15th : Called Narse for favor, declined but planned to visit again
    There's some special event stuff happening friday, that I'd really like to do something with, but there's no way I could do it without a vehicle... I called Narse to see if there's any chance I could borrow the car, he said no.. but he wanted to stop by Sat, so said whatever.. he said he's going to give money, too.. I wonder what would have happened, if I'd never called him.. would he have even bothered to call or show up at all...
    20th : Narse no-call/no-show, late-call
    Narse never called, never showed, I went to do things at 4... I told him to call and arrive, before 4... he never called, never showed, nothing... he finally called around 6 or 7 or somesuch, when I was already out and about, doing stuff I had to do... said he was sorry he couldn't make it... and wanted to come over Sunday... meh... whatever, so... see if he'll actually show up this time...
    21st : Narse actually called, and showed up; with food, money, and movie
    • Narse actually called, and showed up... and braught food... Jack-in-the-Box... one of their 'specialty' burgers, 3 egg rolls, and a large curly fry... no drink, but I had iced tea and water, not that I'm complaining of course... he also gave me $140... so... yeah... Gave him back Wreck It Ralph, and he gave me Djonas or somesuch to watch...
    • Notably Narse said he'd see me next week... like, we'd meet up again; bring a different movie, swap out this one, see eachother, etc. Departing par norm.
    • This was the last time I spoke with him, as of 2016-03-14.

    24th : Called Narse, no answer, no return call
    I think it was around this day, I called Narse.. hoping to be able to borrow a vehicle before the end of the month, 'cause I had a couple opportunities for 2 free nice meals, that expired in May.. but he didn't answer.. and his voice mail is full, as always..
    28th : Insomnia reflection
    So lastnight I rolled around for a couple hours, 'cause I couldn't sleep.. stressing and fretting over everything that's happened. Wasting precious hours I don't have. So then I overslept, wasting even more hours. I woke up with a sore back, hurts a lot. So lost hours, and lack of a propper bed. Yeah. I'll blame Bad Dragon for all that, too; wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for all that.


    1st : No call back from Narse
    No call back from Narse.. so much for a couple nice free meals.. ohwell..
    6th : IRS takes my refund
    I knew that the refund from taxes, would go straight to paying what was owed to the IRS... but, I still claim that money is owed by Bad Dragon, or at least certain members. After all, if they'd paid the $7k, like they should have, I'd not owe the IRS, and the IRS would not have taken my refund to *pay* the $7k. So, even if they paid back the $7k... I'd still have not gotten paid back for my refund. So. Now, as far as I'm concerned, in addition to any interest due the IRS... I'm now owed an additional $394.00, that I would have seen as a tax refund. Thanks guys, you just continue to screw me over, indirectly.


    1st : 105 in-doors, finally turn on air-conditioning
    It reached 105 in the appartment today... I finally turned on the AC...


    ? : Anthrocon (2013) and potential fursuit
    • ...fill in gaps...
    • ...made it to Anthrocon (2013)...
    • ...met fursuit makers, said could have something done by Further Confusion (2014)...



    1st : Sureal experience, encountering Narse
    Unaltered as I wrote it at the time. (Except for term blocking)
    ~1830 (6:30)
    so i'd been dealing with some pretty nasty depression over the past few months

    things were getting bertter, looking up, started to get back on track
    then everythihg went fubar again - Furoticon got halted - LeTip got cut in half - finances got screwed up - stressing over fursuit and commissions getting done in time for Further Confusion (2014), and how i'll be able to afford it all now

    hadn't really been keeping up on any sort of notes or whatever - too... bleh...

    but today (2014-01-01) i went to a dinner meeting with Stephen, and to do draw for pay and banks and stuff (well, tried; banks were closed, but did it through fry's and atms)

    after leaving Village Inn (saw Brian, was nice), i got this weird feeling - sick to my stumack, midlly, not physically ill... but... really close to it... sudden bout of depression.. just felt.. ill.. fidigity.. shaky almost.. a little dizy, disoriented... foreign body kinda feeling...

    we were going to best buy, 'cause Stephen wanted to look around - he had to use the restroom, so i was wandering bb alone for a bit - feeling got worse... started to worry, actually... kinda felt in a daze, distant, almost disoriented..

    Stephen got back, talking about mac's and stuff for the future

    looked up... saw Tojo's mate (what's his name, dangit) [Update 2016-03-16, I think Saburwulf], and Tojo... and the back of Narse.. I 'shield' Stephen between me and them for a minute.. watching briefly.. i don't remember if Narse saw me, or looked at me.. i think he did... but i mostly remembering seeing the back of him... i dunno if i saw his face...

    i walked away.. went to the next isle down... looked up briefly, saw Saburwulf and Tojo near the mac's.. Saburwulf looked at me, with a sort of 'nod'... i knew they'd seen me... i gave a kinda.. distorted, wave, of sorts.. was, not 'mentally well' at that exact moment.. kinda turned back around and.. just tried to keep from breaking down, or break into tears, with my coworker standing there.. did grte tearry eyed.. was shaking some.. but.. looked back up after a minute or two... and they were gone...

    coworker walked briefly around, seeing if he spootted them... but didn't... we left after a moment, after that... i didnt see them on my way out, either...

    i get home, write this...

    strange sensation, when talking with coworker, standing out of the car.. i almost feel like i might have felt 'Badger' returning.. a faint chill, a shudder, a flash in my head.. i dont know what it was... but... it was brief, and coworker's distractions talking about workstuff didn't help...

    2nd : Post sureal-experience insomnia
    0100 - 0250 ... rolled around in bed... couldn't sleep... couldn't get this encounter out of my head... that, and the thumping weird sensations of my stomach, or heart, or... whatever it is... making my feel... weird... panicy, stressing, uncomfortable... can't sleep...
    16th : Further Confusion (2014) {despite bronchitas}, and finally have a fursuit
    • Some good news, I made it to Further Confusion (2014) again; and this year, I finally got my fursuit. It wasn't done, but it was done enough to wear. Sadly, the nomming feature did not work.
    • Though, as always seems the case, good comes with bad. I did still manage to enjoy myself. But I was recovering from bronchitas the entire convention, so was effectively sick the whole time; at least I wasn't *sick* and contagous, though! So, it could've been worse.


    27th : Grandma
    Grandma. ... ... It would've been nice to have had a friend around...


    1st : Credit card debts closed out to IRS, $20,000-$30,000 taxed "income"
    Got letters from one of the creditors, one of the biggest ones I had remaning, four cards. All four got closed out as 1099-C, so I owe taxes on every one of them. Some $20,000-30,000 I'll owe taxes on, now. Thanks again, Bad Dragon!


    9th : Historical reflection, strange dreams
    • Been a long time since I made any notes... a lot has happened, a lot not good... very little good...
    • I had a very strange dream today. Why today? Why this day? I don't know, maybe it has no significance.
      • I dreampt that I somehow was seeing/visiting Narse, and he asked to live with me. I remember thinking about it for a few minutes, but saying yes, as if there were any other answer I could possibly give to a friend.
      • Then, while he was moving in, I remembered all the months he vanished on me, the pain and hardship it all caused; and I wondered in the dream why I did not remember those things, before agreeing to this.
      • I remember, after he'd moved in, to my one bedroom appartment, he had precious little stuff; I wondered where all his stuff was, I didn't remember seeing a computer, or desk, or anything really, even the bed was just a couple matresses on the floor.
      • I also remember watching him sleep, or try to, looking emensely sad and having difficulty sleeping; he sat up from trying to sleep, as I was watching him, feeling like I'd been 'caught' watching, but we looked at eachother, as if both knowing we're sad, the expression upon his face, but neither said anything.
      • Oddly I also remember there being other people, faces that seemed familiar to me in the dream, but that I do not have any recolection of in waking; like they're people I know in passing, but not truely friends, like for instances furs I see every week at the meetings. There were many of them, coming in to the apt, lieing down, taking positions and falling asleep; like they belonged there, and in the dream it seemed natural, like I'd given them a place to sleep, though feeling grudgingly about it as I watched Narse and questioned the amount of space and privacy and room now available for *him*. Not caring how much the others had, only worrying for him. Despite what he put me through.
      • Then I woke up... I thought the dream bizare, and fell back asleep.
      • I drempt no more of this, that I can remember; waking up again later, suddenly the dream struck me, I remembered it. Which is extremely rare, rarer yet was the urge to write it down. I suddenly felt I needed to note this happened on this date. Why?
      • I fell asleep around 0400 and woke up around 1200/1230, and again around 1430; I'm not sure when I drempt this dream.

    27th : More strange dreams
    • I had another bizare dream lastnight...
      • I was somewhere, a convention I think, pretty sure it was a furry con... or some sort of expo thing...
      • I somehow encountered Narse, and talked with him, briefly, asking why and what and such. I don't remember the questions. I don't remember the answers. I just remember that ultimately he told me it was his decision, and he didn't want to see me anymore, and we were done and over with.
      • I remember being devestated, the terrible feeling of anger, remorse, confusion.
      • I remember waking up, believing it still for a few moments.. before convincing myself it was just a dream, and that those emotions were unwarranted. Waking up with them was terrible.
      • I remember, later in the dream, as if it were some time after he'd "told me off", I was trying to keep composure, and just broke down into despair; I think I woke up just before crying in the dream.
      • Curiously, when I think back to the dream, Narse was... different. Like, I recognized him, as Narse, but... it didn't look quite like him, something was different, had changed, like it wasn't really him; while in the dream I knew it was, upon waking it didn't feel like it was him, like his physical features weren't quite right to have been him.
      • Am I forgetting what he looked like? Am I accounting for age progression? Am I subconciously applying a 'false identity' to better explain a behaviour I don't want to accept?



    ? : Made it to Further Confusion (2015), continuing issues with fursuit
    • ...summary - fursuit issues - finances - etc...
    • ...made it to Further Confusion (2014)...

    8th : Saw a number of "them" at Further Confusion (2014)
    Lounging in the main lobby, I see Varka, Raith, Synkardis, Kamo and a couple others walk into the lobby with their luggage to check in. I'm pretty sure at least some of them saw me, however I tried to avoid eye contact. Thankfully nothing was said.
    9th : Kamo has audacity to say hello in-passing
    Randomly passed Kamo in the hallway, he had the audacity to say "Hey Badger".
    10th : Caught up with Skadjer and Syrinoth
    • I met up with Skadjer and Syrinoth, turns out they moved and are now local, working for Bad Dragon.
    • I invited them to the IHOP meets, we'll see if they show up.

    11th : Ran into Streak
    • I learned Streak was in fursuit. I ran into them in the headless lounge, and briefly chatted for a bit.
    • I invited them to the IHOP meets, we'll see if he shows up.



    13th : BLFC, running into Narse
    • Added 2016-05-19: I was waiting in line for the dealers den, and saw Dari nearby. I came up behind to say hello, without realizing that Narse was there too. Dari turns to say hello, which causes Narse to turn and look.. which is when I noticed he was there. His reaction was heartbreaking, something akin to ~"Oh, hey! Long time no see!" - as if it was all okay, just a gap in time, no big deal. I panicked, took a couple steps backwards in my dismay, nodding and I think I said something along the lines of just "Yah.. yah, along time...", and right around the time of this event the den opened. Everyone started walking forward, except me. I couldn't move for a few seconds, quickly saw I needed to (I was in the way), and scampered inside to tuck behind a large pillar everyone was moving around already anyway. The person I was with said I looked physically ill, as if I was about to throw up; it was entirely an unpleasant experience, especially given the non-chalant behaviour from Narse. Then that was it, I never saw Narse for the rest of the con.
    • After a few minutes of recovering myself, I set forth into the dealer den. I made my rounds (for those that know me, this is a big thing!), got my arts, and had a good time. Prior to BLFC I was terrified of seeing Narse, I figured I would run into them eventually, I did not want to. But I am glad it happened on the first day. I had my moment. I got through it. It all still hurts, of course; but I did not let that ruin my day, or my con.

    14th : BLFC, passing by Dari
    • I saw Dari at the buffet, he seemed to almost be ignoring me, or he just actually did not see me; but he turned away, so it seemed to be an ignoring motion, but I am not sure. If Narse was there, I did not see him.

    15th : BLFC, running into Skadjer and others
    • Added 2016-05-19: Throughout the con I ran into a few others from my past. Most notably I saw Skadjer, and went over to say hello without realizing Quirc was there; inevitably Quirc struck up conversation that was difficult to handle, given the events from November 6th 2012, and other things. But I did have a chat with Skadjer afterwords, and I feel awful because something I said really threw him off balance; if he ever reads this, I still am sorry for bringing up emotional things. I hope you were well, and enjoyed the rest of your con.
    • Throughout the con I ran into a number of others, as well. Most were awesome to see again, familiar muzzles, none whom I have any grudge against; just good to see. There were almost a dozen, so my apologies for not mentioning everyone here, but they all are fine by my book.
    • I also saw Raith in the dealer den, and at some other point. He just passed me by, we saw eachother, but he said nothing; which is good. I would have nothing good to say to him, anyway.
    • I'm not sure it was him, but I think I also saw Varka after the den closed, lugging some equipment around. Looked like him, kind of, but not sure if it was. Whoever it was, barely gave me a second glance; which is just fine by me.

    17th : Moving back into my house
    • I'd been planning for months on moving back into my house again, and I knew it would happen sometime between April and June. As it turned out May ended up being the month, so I had been making preparations, and planned on doing "the big move" during the last week or two of May. I wasn't even really packing yet, prior to BLFC, just preliminary preparing.
    • Immediately after BLFC (Monday 16th), I was at the house all day preparing for my moving in later that month. When I returned to the appartment, the air-conditioning unit had stopped working; it got over 90-degrees by 8pm that night. Maintenance said they'd fix it "tomorrow" (Tuesday). So, I stayed home from work (not an easy thing to do as it is), so they could come by and fix it. They never showed, never called; near end of day, they said they'll come by "tomorrow" (Wednesday now). Well, I stayed home Tuesday, I cannot stay home Wednesday as well, especially with no AC. So, I quickly booked a u-haul, hired a couple movers willing to work same-day, and moved the essentials.
    • We grabbed the bed, computers, desk and chair - the essentials (for me). Then whatever else we could load on the truck. There's still a lot left at the appartment, but I'll get it this weekend. And that was it. As of 2016-05-17, I officially slept in my own house again, for the first time in almost six years.
    • I know it is going to be difficult staying there again, emotional (and financially), but part of going to BLFC was proving to myself that I can get through this. Though I cannot sleep in the master bedroom, I cannot stay in their room; that step is not one I am willing or interested in taking any time soon. I actually set up in my old room, which is just perfect for me anyway.
    • Regardless, as difficult and emotional as it may be, many memories good and bad - it is time to make new memories.